I’m writing this post as a result of inspiration from some recent pain in my life.
“How wonderful,” you might say. “Let us celebrate!” you might say.
You wouldn’t say that. I’ll say that though.
You might think I’ve lost it. I can assure you I haven’t.
This entry is the result of the end of a romance. I’ve been through this before, and I’m sure I’ll go through it again.
Its taken many years and a lot of heartache in the process for me to understand the importance of embracing the heartache. And I mean fully embrace. Open arms, fill me up. But don’t take over me.
Think of it like this: the heartache is the fuel, my thoughts are the vessel, and I’m in the driver seat with my hands on the steering wheel. It can’t control where I’m going, only I can do that. But it can provide me with the fuel to get there. And its up to me where I decide to go with this fuel. How much of the tank gets filled depends on the situation. And where I decide to go depends on just that – where I decide. I can drive around the block back to the filling station and continue that process. (I’ve tried it…I don’t recommend it) Or, I can set my destination elsewhere and cruise off from there, never to return to this station again. One tank will do.
It was/is important for me to feel these feelings. In the past, the more I tried to resist them, the more they would persist. If I attempted to avoid these feelings or place blame somewhere else, the more the pain would linger. This would result in forming the wrong questions and ultimately down the wrong path. Avoidance of unpleasant feelings usually doesn’t bring you to any conclusions. Rather, avoiding them often times leads people to spiral out of control – resulting in depression, anxiety, self-abuse, abuse of others, blaming, rationalizing, etc.
The heartache is a gift. A guide. It led me to ask myself many questions. To search deep. Questions I would not have been prompted to ask otherwise.
I had to construct the right questions… What have I learned? Did I give it my all? Where did I fall short? What could I have done better? Did I come from a place of love? What were my intentions? Was I allowing myself to be vulnerable? Did I establish strong personal boundaries? Was I staying true to my values? Who was I during this relationship…as myself and as a couple?
Answers don’t usually come immediately. They take time and a much reflection to form. And sometimes we don’t have all the answers (and thats okay). What helps is for me to do my best to look at the situation from my own perspective, hers, as well as an outsiders perspective. This provides me with a variety of lenses to view the situation.
The importance of this is for me to better understand if I was doing a disservice to myself as well as a disservice to the relationship. I’ll admit I fell short in some areas, but I did much better than I had in the past.
Just like training in the gym – we grow from the breakdown. Or just like business, or learning new skills. We learn from failure. From setbacks. From loss, from getting burned, from falling on our asses. But how we get back up, heal, and go forward is what truly matters – so we can steer clear of the same blunders again.
We become higher versions of ourselves through the difficult times. A life that is all glitter and gold isn’t a fulfilling or a happy one. We don’t become amazing people by only going through the pleasurable experiences. Its through these rough patches that we are able to bounce back. And its through our examination of these times that we can truly find peace and apply what we’ve learned to future relationships and situations.
Be good to yourself. Beating yourself up and asking “why?” incessantly is an easy path to go down. If you’ve been down it or are down it now, you know that it doesn’t work. There are no answers there, just pain. You deserve to treat yourself with respect. Love yourself despite your flaws. Believe it. If you don’t, repeat it everyday until you do.
My hope is that this examination of my situation and my feelings can help you through it as well. Even if there is one sentence or idea in this article that resonates with you and can help you heal and grow – then I’m forever grateful.
As I mentioned earlier, I’ve come to a time in my life to let these feelings in.
Then let them flow.
And that is the key.
You can enter, sweet heartache, but you can’t stay. Your time is limited. I’ll have you, but not for long. You are only a guest and this is not your home.
But please, while you’re here, have a seat and let me make sense of you. Theres the door. I don’t mean to be rude but your residence here is only temporary.
I thank you for coming.